Who Am I: Food For Thought - Journal Entry #7

There’s a famous quote that talks of two paths diverging in a wood. If only I had so few paths, I feel life might be a little easier to get on with. Perhaps that’s the answer to my own issue before I’ve even begun... When there are too many eggs in your basket of interests, it’s probably time to trim the fat – if not for happiness, for feasibility.

But frustratingly, the line between fat and muscle has blurred. Of course, I know what matters most to my pocketbook, but that’s a sad way to live. Who am I and what matters? What do I like enough for a career? How do people dedicate themselves to one thing like that? I can’t help but feel sorry for or envy them; they either don’t get it at all or have it entirely figured out. To be honest, I’m not sure which would frustrate me more.

I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out for months, years even, but in doing so, I‘ve lost myself to going through the motions. It’s a shame because I was on a good trajectory there for a while. I still am, but I’ve lost the focus I once had. Maybe the better way to phrase that is “I’ve lost my plan.”

What does that say about me? I’ve said it before and it surely won’t be the last time, but I thought I’d have it figured out by now. If anything, I at least thought the sentiment would be different. That I could take solace in my plan instead of still feeling like I’m stacking Tetris pieces as they free-fall, and still questioning whether I even like the page I’m currently on. All the while, people had this figured out in high school and are lapping me.

That’s funny, isn’t it? To feel discouraged by a world with so many opportunities to offer. It’s not so bad either – at least, that’s what a good portion of people will tell you. Better to have new opportunities coming than worry about those you missed.

Sure. Yet, that makes me feel farther away than I’ve ever been. Will I ever get there or find it? If I do, will “ever” happen in a timely manner so that I’m not half-way to dead? How come even the things I once liked most have started losing their flavor?

I feel that’s the burden of our generation – having the world at your feet and being able to go any which way, yet not knowing where to begin. We’re the era of “I could do that,” “Ooh, look what they’re doing,” and “If I just start now!” Was it always like that? Probably, just with a smaller sample size.

Maybe part of what we get in return for the ability to see so much of the world is the emptiness that comes alongside trying to understand it in full. Back in the day? You figured that out for yourself amongst your family and friends, with far less regard for current events and outlier success. Now? We see it all, and our dreams and expectations for life are molded by so many things, whether they matter or not.

It’s okay, you’re only human.

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